i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
