i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
