Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
