he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
