Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
