just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
