My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
