Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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