I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
