Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
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We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
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I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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