Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
