It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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