i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
