i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
