i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
