everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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