i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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