Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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