The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
