She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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