hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
