You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just google imaged poop.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
