have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
