i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
