Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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