Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
