did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
