I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
