some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
