Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
