at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
