too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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