I molested 6 butterflies tonight
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
