My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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