I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
