dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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