The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Can I ask u a weird question?
do u have the hershy squirts too?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect