im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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