I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
