He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
