Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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