God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize