i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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