Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
