is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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