batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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