I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
