i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
