Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
