There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It was confusing and full of hummus
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
All I want is dick and wine.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
