at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
