I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We were destined to go to rehab together
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
