I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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