Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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