I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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