We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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